APU Careers Careers & Learning

“To Be or Not to Be” … a Mentor

By Marlene Weaver
Online Career Tips, Special Contributor

One fine sunny day, sit alone on your porch, your deck, or your dock and reminisce about life. Maybe you are 22, 38, or 75 years old. It doesn’t matter. Clear your mind of the daily events that often clog your thoughts and think about how you have been molded to become the person you are. Think about some of the decisions you have made throughout your life and the regrets or joys that have followed those decisions. How often do we think back and say to ourselves, “I wish I knew then what I know now.”

We probably all relate to a time when we were angry with a parent and didn’t like that a punishment was inflicted on us. Did we run to a friend’s house in tears to escape the wrath of mom only to find that another mom helped to make it all better by offering us words of wisdom?

How many of us can remember hating Saturday morning baseball games that we were forced to play even if we didn’t want to? Was there a special coach who somehow made us feel that we had a place on that team, if even to hand out equipment? There were so many influences that helped us to grow and learn, even if some of them resulted in failures from time to time.

All of those people were mentors to us. Using their own previous experiences, successes, and failures as their guide, they helped us through good and bad times. We can all remember a parent saying “take a jacket with you because it is supposed to get really cold tonight.” We probably also remember disregarding that advice, leaving the jacket at home, and freezing throughout the ball game. Of course we didn’t dare tell that parent that they were right!

Sometimes it was essential to find someone of authority other than a parent to validate our actions. Our parents may have advised us to take certain classes in high school, but it wasn’t until our soccer coach recommended the same classes that we listened. Our parents may have told us not to eat too many sweets, but it was most likely our scout leader who made the real difference in our eating habits by teaching us about food sources and helping us cook different foods. Sometimes things just didn’t sink in unless certain special people helped the process along.

Now, having reviewed those childhood developments, think about a more mature mentor relationship. One to recall is that of Socrates, a Greek philosopher, and Plato, his student.  Plato was about 40 years younger than Socrates. The year was around 400 BC. Robin Waterford, author of The Historical Socrates, reminds us that Socrates was not a writer himself and all of the accountings written about Socrates were written by others, often by Plato. Plato often referred to Socrates as his teacher and his mentor. As David Wolfsdorf stated so eloquently in his article Plato’s Conception of Knowledge, “Socrates offers a differential conception of an account, at least partly, to overcome the problem of elemental knowledge.”

This is an excellent explanation of how a mentor offers advice to the mentee. A true mentor will not tell his mentee what to do or how to do it, but offer opinions, options, and possible consequences of each so that the mentee can then proceed and make a more informed decision.

In his historical accounting, Waterfield refers to Socrates as the one who questioned people to find if they knew the moral concepts they worked with. When I consider the mentoring I have done, I realize that I prefer to offer my mentees opinions, experiences, and options that could help to guide their own thoughts and actions. Graduating high school and entering college is a time when many of us felt that we already had all the answers; no one ever has all the answers; learning should be a lifelong adventure.

Daniel Klein, author of Travels with Epicurus, reflects on philosophical teachings and he states “treating someone as an end rather than as a means turns out to be as much a treat for us as for the person to whom we are relating.” As we age, we find that our past experiences and our learned knowledge from those experiences are priceless lessons to be shared.

Until my mother was 84 and confined to a chair most of her days did I learn to appreciate long talks with her about her life, her regrets, and her many accomplishments. I have used those fond memories when relating to my own grown sons. I seek to never tell them what to do or how to do it. I do try to take long walks with my sons whenever the opportunity presents itself, and I can only hope to use these precious moments to offer opinions when asked, share past experiences they could possibly learn from, and consider various options about upcoming decisions they may have.  Now that they are grown, have families of their own, and are independent working men, they seem to cherish these times also. If only once a parent hears “you know mom, you gave me some good food for thought and I appreciate your opinions” then the hard work of child rearing becomes very fulfilling.

If you ever have the opportunity to volunteer some time to help older people, use the opportunity to talk.  Sometimes, due to physical restrictions, they are confined to a wheelchair and can’t do much else. Ask them about their lives and their experiences; ask them to give you advice about life in general. You will be surprised by the depth of your conversation. Older people who have solid memories but their bodies have failed them sometimes provide better insight and guidance than you could get elsewhere. Their lifelong experiences are meaningful and every experience deserves to be shared if there is someone who is willing to listen.

The most influential workplace mentor from my past is now 90 years old. I still visit Dottie on occasion, but not as often as I would like. Dottie was (and still is) classy, smart, and she knew when to pursue an issue and when to let it go. She was my role model.

At the time, I didn’t realize the influence she had on my development. Every day she would come to work looking perfect and I remember her telling me “if you look good, you feel good.” Although I was frightened and didn’t think I was capable, she would send me off to a meeting on her behalf. As time went on, she gave me more and more responsibility. Never was I concerned that I was doing work far above my pay grade; I was eager to prove my worth.  Dottie did everything in her power to reward my performance because she knew I would walk the extra mile for her.

Her mind is still as sharp as ever and when we do get together she still reminds me of the good old days. I was only nineteen when I met her.  She inspired me, trusted me, and shaped me over the course of five years while I worked for her.  She selected me to work for her because she saw potential.  However, I was young and naïve. Without the coaching and inspiration I received from Dottie throughout the years, I would not be where I am today. I would not have pursued my education and I may not have been given the opportunities she presented for me.

Years later, thinking often about Dottie, I became the mentor to others that she once was for me. Throughout the years, I supervised many. There were some who didn’t appreciate advice or critiques. Performance rating time was always a challenge for those individuals.

However, there were occasions when some of my employees became my mentees. They asked questions, took advice, and looked for a guiding hand. They were appreciative. Now, years later, they too continue to talk with me about my influences on their careers.

As you pursue your career, use every opportunity to learn from those who experienced life before you. As you experience and overcome obstacles or even are temporarily defeated, share your successes and failures with others so that they may find their way easier. Through the course of our lives we go through many phases and sometimes we need a mentor. And, sometimes we should be a mentor.

 About the Author

Marlene Weaver retired from the Department of Defense in 2010 after 39 years of dedicated serviceWeaver now teaches leadership and management full time at the American Public University System, which offers 87 online degree programs through American Public University and American Military University. APUS’s relevant curriculum, affordability and flexibility help more than 100,000 working adults worldwide pursue degrees in a diverse variety of subjects. For further information, visit www.apu.apus.edu.    

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