By Dr. Suzanne Minarcine
Faculty Director, School of Business at American Public University
If you’ve ever experienced a significant loss, you know that the standard three-day bereavement leave policy does not mean that three days is up and then life – specifically work – goes back to normal. What do you say to your colleague who has experienced a death, and how can you best support that person? It is often difficult to know what to say or how to respond. Even well-meaning words can be hurtful.
First and foremost, it is important to remember that there is no prescribed way to grieve. Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross talked about the five stages of grief, but these were geared toward someone who was diagnosed with a terminal diagnosis. Not everyone grieves the same nor goes through the same steps in the same way, and the loss of someone a person holds dear is not something he or she will get over. With time and support, the grieving person will get to a softer place, but the sense of loss does not go away.
Avoid Unhelpful Comments
One of the least helpful phrases is, “At least they are in a better place.” This is not comforting, as the grieving person may not even believe in an afterlife or may be angry with their God. The grieving person is thinking about his or her terrible loss and the hole in his or her heart that may seem all-consuming.
The list of unhelpful and even hurtful things to say is long. “You’ll meet someone else” is not helpful to someone who has lost a spouse or loved one. “All things happen for a reason” and “It was just their time” are similarly unhelpful.
Asking for details is certainly inappropriate. “How do you feel?” can be a difficult question, as there are so many conflicting feelings going on. In all honesty, the grieving person may simply not be interested in small talk.
[Related: Grieving at Work: How to Cope, Not Project]
What You Can Do
So what can you do and what do you say? First of all, be kind. If you can, pick up some of the person’s work while they are out on bereavement leave. When the individual returns to work, just getting started and being present in the work environment may be challenging enough, without the added stress of completing the work that piled up while they were out. Provide whatever support you can and understand that forgetfulness can also be associated with grief.
Avoid asking personal questions. If the individual wants to talk, then listen. Otherwise, simply being quiet is your best action.
People who are dealing with acute grief may be tightly hanging on to prevent the tears from coming. The best thing you can do for friends or family members who are grieving is to just be present and to be sensitive to visual and verbal cues.
Unexpected loss robs the grieving person of the presence of the person who has died, but also of any hopes and dreams for the future that involved the person who is deceased. It takes time for the grieving person to achieve a new normalcy and begin to build a revised vision for the future. Kindness and patience are the best strategies for you to help your colleague get back into the tempo of the workplace and return to productivity.
About the Author: Dr. Suzanne Minarcine is a faculty director for the School of Business at American Public University. She currently teaches strategic management and entrepreneurship courses.
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